wth insecurity

You know 12 years ago I thought I'd be done with insecurity by the time I'm an adult ( I guess 25-year-olds are young adults no longer)

Frikking post-modernism.

Blame everything to post-modernism.

It's like an old battered scapegoat.

I hate it when a story ends. You get cut off. All those people's lives, got cut off from you.

 I can't see where I am going right now actually. I'm confused. Architecture, I still do like it. But it's a broad subject. Most my my peers seem to have acquainted themselves with the business and managing part of architecture, the entrepreneur bits of them. Precisely the parts that I grew to dislike.

I can't say I will be good around people. I have even concluded I'll only be a liability. Nothing throws off your mood more from working than thinking like this at work. Architecture topics that I find comfortable are mostly on the speculative sides. The psychological sides. The sides that mostly are impractical, useful only in theories, abstract. How they impact humans. Like I said, it borders on psychological. Topics that practicing (local) architects may pooh-poohed over.

Which leads me to spending more times in the library reading. Without writing notes. Dear god, I hate writing them.

Have I ever jotted down here that I am dead jealous of you lots that can just plop down and continuously do work for 4 hours then have an hour break and then plop down for another 4 hours of work, like clockwork? With (almost) no procrastinating between? What switch in your mind did you flip on for that to happen? Of course, Ihaven't touched on productivity yet, but at least you're giving credit to other people about doubts of your working capability.



I can never write down a simple emotional rant. It has got to spiral into rants of insecurity(check!) and self-uselessness(check!) and procrastination(CHECK!). Bleargh. It's like I have these issues that was never ever properly attended to since years ago.

While we're at this, maybe I should just write down I don't make much friends around (maybe due to my abysmal face memory, maybe not) because I already have a council of opinions in my head and dealing with them quarreling with each other is tiring enough. And by the end of each quarrel every thought I planned has already been filtered out. Hence I turn out speechless.

And I guess that will be the evidence if the verdict wants to declare me mentally unstable due to schizophrenia for some reason (I'll probably get off with 'slightly' unstable). And again,maybe not.

But at least, as long as I have my mind, I will be free. (For the longest time I wonder why US school kids detest detention, well according to those US tv shows. You just sit there, not allowed to talk to anyone. Just that. You're not forced to clean out the class or lab or the field, you just freakin sit there. Guys, you practically have the 'me' time handed to you. What is wrong with you people? Is your need to perpetually talk to any human is that bad that the lack of it even becomes a punishment? Just a curious thought.)

 

I guess this thing is almost real, cos I remembered taking the USM personality test and its almost like this, other than the USM test is in Malay.

Yep, I'm so not indie. Laugh cliche laugh.
Oh and this is my trait snapshot.


messy, disorganized, not rule conscious, rebellious, rash, weird, ambivalent about chaos, likes bizarre things, anti-authority, not good at saving money, not a perfectionist, leaves many things unfinished, low self control, strange, desires more attention, romantic daydreamer, abstract, impractical, unproductive, leisurely, likes the unknown



Almost like the real, skulking, whining me ( the 'leaves many things unfinished' part). Though some are quite surprising *shrug*

 

 

 

 

 

 



Because pretty pics are good medicine for emo-ness. Or they may induce them :P

From the unreleased photos from the trip to Broga.

 

 


Sooooooo the last Harry Potter movie is on 15th July 2011 ( if I still can read calendars correctly by numbers).
I haven't watched the Harry Potter movies since the Order of Phoenix
Sooooooo anything new?



Oh yeah Diana Wynne Jones has died in 26th March 2011 due to lung cancer.
journal.neilgaiman.com/2011/03/being-alive.html

*sobs*



Mrs JK Rowling when will your new books be finished? I do hope it's about magic, and that's the only thing I'm being picky about now.
I need something new to read.

 

I have this gift for making even the most intense conversation turn really awkward.

It makes me just wanna curl up on my bed the whole day*sigh*



Stiff social interactions aside, I'll try to find the most boring day job, labelling in "WORK" so all my enthusiasm will be focused on my side-job and hobbies.It's a plan.

Working around my laziness and my dislike of "WORK" requires some subtle maneuvers. It'd be better if I'm not aware that I'm tricking myself,but that may require some high-level inception stuff or hypnosis>____>


And the "F" and "D" is coming again. It may have something to do with me not having anything else to do.

Hmmm,the Silent Hill songs resonated very well in rhythm and atmosphere with these, wonder why.